dead girls are easy...

So... I bought my 3DS. And, I love playing it. And, I play the hell out of it. I'm stacking games up and playing them in sequential order,...but what that also means.. is that I'm not writing as much. Like...not nearly as much. I went from ten pages a day to one a day. And, no.. I wasn't setting limits for myself. Ten a day is what I averaged. And now, it's great if I make ten in a week. But, on a related side note: that hiatus I took totally cleared out the writer's block and I've been able to bring back my passion for writing.

So yes, I now work for a huge retail chain probably known to every human being on Earth. But, as it turns out, although they sell things to cater to alternative lifestyles, an associate is not really allowed to show any individualism. Whatsoever. After my first three weeks, the black pants that had been OK'ed by my district hire person were suddenly not okay. So, I relented and bought me some awful khaki pants. They aren't hideous..but I freaking hate khaki pants. And, then I was told that I can't wear my "extreme" makeup, i.e. really bright eye makeup/dark eye makeup and/or really bold lips. And on top of that, about three and a half weeks ago, I was told I can no longer wear colored undershirts. Only white..and possibly grey if I get it pre-approved. So, I bought some white shirts. Yep..you read that right. I don't buy white shirts. Ever. I do own white camisoles to wear underneath light or see thru shirts..but no white shirts. But, I'm getting somewhat shifty.. I'm not allowed to have piercings or tattoos, or really heavy jewelry, so I've taken to adding a piece of small fine jewelry a day. And today, I wore bright muted makeup; it's my small rebellion. But yeah, it went swell. I'll repeat the experiment tomorrow. All they can do is ask me to remove a necklace or take out the earrings. ..or lose a bracelet..or a ring.. yeah. Be Loved Because You Are, Ten-chan*

So, I got everything done that I meant to do today, except for wash my car..but that's ok. I learned how to check and fill my transmission fluids and I ate some delicious steak. I also bought really cute clothing for my really really cute niece who was being sooo cute today! And, hand sanitizer and lotion for work, but that's nothing to get excited about. My car is still acting up...my stepdad thinks it may be my battery or my alternator or a comobopunch of both. Yeah, I'm really hoping it's just the battery..or just the alternator. Both going bad at once would stink. Anyways,

Be Loved Because You Are,
Ten-chan*

p.s. I had a niece born in October named Lizzie. She's adorable.

So, boyfriend felt something was amiss in Paradise, so he scoped out my LJ. He found the unflattering things I'd written and called BS.. even though it isn't. He said I never did anything to get him in the mood. I couldn't have been more obvious. I am not subtle when I'm needing attention. So he called me and wanted to fight it out and resolve it, but I was like ... naa. So, long story short, I'm single. Sweet. He won't be my friend cause he doesn't want to see me move on to someone else. Fat chance.

So, moving along, I'm going to the city tomorrow with my sister, my brother and my cousin. Should be an interesting trip. My check engine light is on my car. That kinda sucks, but I'm kinda thinking that once I get my oil change day after now it'll go off? I sure hope so. I thought it was my battery at first though ..cos yeah, I dun know anything about cars. atall. So, he came out and looked at it and was really nice saying he'd help me clean it just in case it's corroded on the inside bits beneath the exposed plug part things. But yeah, hopefully it's jsut the oil change.

I'm not so good at being a CSM. I mean, I'm doing everything they tell me.. it's just really boring. Except for when it's busy.. and then it's kinda crazy and I feel bad cos the cashiers are working their hineys off to get the lines out and I'm just like staring at my borg implant waiting to respond if they need help or change. And what also sucks, a few of the older associates refuse to acknowledge that I am a CSM simply because they be jellin. I mean, I've been told to take them to task about it, but I'm sure they'll eventually become accustomed to it. It all boils down to.. they don't want the job, but they don't wanna see someone else get it either. It's just plain stubbornness. Although, I will confess, the one lady genuinely dislikes me. ... she actually grunted at me. I wish I was kidding. I had a good chuckle about it.. and her coworker outright laughed and said, "Did she just grunt at you?!"

But yeah, that's my life. I started writing again after a hiatus because now I don't have all these swirling waves of anxiety around me. I am also planning on spending an obscene amount of money on some new Cruel Girl duds. I like their new collection.

Be loved because you are,
Ten-chan*

So, I haven't really been here in a while, and I'm not sure what's changed, but I thought it might be nice to take a break from writing my novel and actually vent out some stuff...ya know...so that way it doesn't get all mixed in there and fukc up my characters and all..
Wow, hell of a run-on sentence there, huh?
So yeah, in addition to writing said novel, I'm also up for a promotion at work. And, that's awesome.. I hope I get it. I got my sister a badass gift..and I'm getting my boyfriend a badass gift.. and he got me a few badass gifts. Like: a ticket to go see Tori Amos on the last performance of her Night of Hunters Tour. Yeah, I'm beyond excited. But.. and this mega sucks.. as much as he spoils me and tries to be a boyfriend.. there's a vital piece missing. I'm not physically attracted to him. And, I didn't think that'd be a real problem, but it is.. and I tell myself if he were at least amazing in bed, ...we could get past it. But.. he's not. Or rather, he can't be.. cos apparently he's abstinent. By default. And, I'm tired of trying to initiate fun only to be shut down. He never tries. I don't want to feel like an asshole...but I'm kinda thinking I'm going to have be one this time. This relationship just isn't working out.

I turn 25 in five days. I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I have a new boyfriend and he's nice.. and very fun. and he thinks the world of me.. But, I guess I'm still getting used to it. I'm kinda worried that maybe it was too soon for me. I am a slow healer. My heart isn't the sturdy thing it once was. I'm trying though. For every kindness he gives me, I'm trying to match it. And, he does understand. I have told him why I'm having trouble opening up and he's told me, however much time I need he'll accept. It's pretty nice having someone say, "It's ok. Go as slow as you need to. I'll still be here."

I've never had that before. Or if I had, I didn't realize it, so I was always pushing myself. I can't blame everything on the other people.. I did alot of the damage myself. I know this now. My parents came to my house on my sister's birthday a few days ago at eight in the morning. They screamed at me that I wasn't making my car payments and how could I still be in bed and finally they left. Well, I freaked out because I thought that I had slept through my alarm which was set for nine. When I looked at the clock and realized it wasn't even nine, I got really upset. I didn't get to sleep until five am. My parents know I sleep in the early morning hours. I've always been this way. Going to school was a helluva chore for me. So, yeah.. panic attack over, I get online and start filling out some applications after taking a shower. At ten oclock, they show back up and start screaming at me that I'm not making my car payments and how they're going to take it from me. I endure as much as I can before I lose my cool. I yell at them that I do make my car payments, that I make them on time and that I maintain my car. They have never made a payment for me. Not one dollar of the thirteen thousand I've paid for it.

I tell them if they take the car, I will sue them as I have kept every single money order receipt I have ever bought to make my payments. They keep screaming and eventually my stepfather says, "You're nothing but a goddamn liar." I couldn't take it anymore. My therapist told me, if I need to get away from them, then I really need to. Immediately. So, I ask them to please leave. They say, "What?" I say, "Please, leave. You are bad for my health, entirely unreasonable, and you will never believe anything I say because I lied to you when I was eight years old. I was a child. I can't go back and fix it, but you can't seem to get past it. So, please. Get out of my house. Now." Well, my mom starts crying but they do leave. I fill out some more applications, then drive to the store to get my paycheck, pay my car payment (lol), buy my sister's card and present and make a deposit in the bank. I tell my sister everything that's happened and she just shakes her head. Not the first time.

And, I still haven't gotten my skirt from Gloomth. I'm giving them a few days, then I'm going to call. If they still won't work with me, I'm going to the better business bureau. I almost did it tonight, but I'm trying to be the better person. I ordered some socks today as a bday present for myself. It'll cheer me up. So, yay! And, Rasputina on the 7th!!!!!

I can't wait for the concert. I love you all and be loved because you are!!
Ten-chan***

Gah! I ordered a skirt in April for a show on August 7th~~~~~~~~!!~!~ It is still not here. Delivery time was four to six weeks with an additional max of two in ..busy circumstances. Fuck! It's now the 22nd of July~~~~ It has to be shipped from Canada. I mailed them a month ago to ask where the fuck it was and they're like, oh we'll get that right out.. so sorry. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck~ If I have to find some crappy thing in my closet to wear to the Rasputina show I'm going to be so fucking mad.

I found a dress on etsy that I want to get, but IT'S 220.00 DOLLARS!!!!!! Cripes! That's an entire paycheck~~ I need a better job.

And, second date with that guy. .... flop. He got three phone calls from three different women that he knows while we were watching a movie. WTF!

I went on a date on Saturday and it went well. We got along great and he really wanted a second date so I said, OK. But, I really don't know that it's a good idea. He's ready for a relationship, but I'm not so sure I am. It's normal for me to take huge breathers between relationships depending on how much I cared about the person and I'm just not bouncing back. I'm depressed all the time and everything I see here reminds me of things lost. It's horrible. This place is nothing but bad memories to me. I can't stand it here. I don't know where to go though. I need to find a place, pack a suitcase and go. I know that the sadness will still be with me, but at least a new place means new opportunities.

If I could, I would join the Air Force. Too bad they can't take people who require medicine.

So, on Halloween. I went through the worst breakup ever and it destroyed me and fucked me up. So, even though he's getting married, I begged him to tell me what he meant when he said he couldn't be what I needed.

He said, you said let me be angry. That was my way of telling you that I'll never let you be sad.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

I really hate myself now. Because of a misunderstanding, I am letting the man I love marry another woman and I don't want to fight for him because he chose her. FUCK IT. I am getting so fucking shitfaced. I hate myself. I will probably be calling the suicide hotline at some point to deal with this.